Horror - Cinema Crespodiso

Review: ‘Tusk’

A sort of body-horror movie from the director of “Clerks” and “Chasing Amy,” here we are with a film in which an obnoxious man is given the “Misery” treatment by an old Canadian weirdo with designs to turn a human into a beast. A story that involves monetized podcasting, infidelity, convenience store workers, big gulp style beverages, a play on the phrase Not See, a serial killer and a sometimes cross-eyed homicide detective from Quebec, “Tusk” is possibly the weirdest movie to come out in theaters in quite a while, which is a good thing.

Written and directed by Kevin Smith, “Tusk” centers on a guy named Wallace (Justin Long), an LA-based podcaster with a show named The Not See Party, and it appears his show is a kind of audio version of Tosh.0 or any other rip off show centered on showing internet clips of people acting stupid and/or hurting themselves. And the name comes from the show having some wacky conceit in which Wallace goes out and interviews people and then comes back and tells his supposedly hodophobic co-host Teddy (Haley Joel Osment) about the interview, hence the “Not See” part of the show.

I kind of feel like Kevin Smith is shitting on podcasters, having the show being so crass and the hosts being so disgusting and unsympathetic to their fellow man, but then it is weird that the podcast is hugely successful, bringing in over $100,000 per year, and Wallace even goes so far as to note that this figure is based on ad sales alone and that he makes even more money on t-shirt sales and live events. Considering that there are thousands upon thousands of podcasts out there (including, well, you know, this one), most of them struggling and not making a dime let alone a lucrative salary, it is kind of telling that the podcast Smith presents is so successful because he made is own podcast and success came easy because well he’s Kevin fucking Smith. Funny how from his own experience he presents podcasting as a source of income whereas in the real world it is mostly a hobby for most folks, and he also equates it to 90’s talk radio style douche baggery.Continue Reading …

Review: ‘The Purge: Anarchy’

“The Purge” was a 2013 horror movie, in which it was posited that America would have extremely low unemployment levels and crime rates if all crime was legal one night of the year. Somehow if people were allowed to do anything they wanted, including murder, for 12 hours out of 365 days, then they would be totally chill the rest of the year, due to the release of their aggression. This is a bunch of bullshit, because one does not follow the other. Aggressive people are aggressive people year round, and people with criminal tendencies can’t just sit on them for the other 8,748 hours of the year. So the premise of that movie was BS and then the movie itself didn’t do anything with this premise and instead was just a run of the mill home invasion film (albeit one with Ethan Hawke totally giving it his all and classing up the joint). So in summation, “The Purge” was bullshit through and through.Continue Reading …

Review: ‘Only Lovers Left Alive’

For years now in popular culture the vampire has been depicted in what really can only be described as “campy,” or at the very least largely non-threatening. Whether we are talking about brooding, love starved vampires with diamond skin or vampires engaged in a centuries-old sewer-set gun fight with werewolves or vampires who simply lost their shirts (as well as the mere concept of shirts), the one thing we haven’t seen lately is the idea of vampires in the real world, going about their lives, doing “normal” things like using iPhones and watching YouTube and listening to and creating music. In Jim Jarmusch’s “Only Lovers Left Alive,” this is exactly what we get, otherworldly beings in a real world setting, and we get to see how the deal with the pesky things known as people and the annoying burden on them that is known as life.Continue Reading …

Review: ‘Carrie’

Did you see the 1976 “Carrie?” Then you’ve pretty much seen the 2013 “Carrie,” as neither movie diverges much from the original Stephen King novel anyway, so the remake only offers updated effects and a contemporary setting. But they might as well have set the story in the 70’s, it’s all the same thing anyway. So if you liked the first one, this shouldn’t disappoint.

In “Carrie 2K13,” after a birth scene in which the mother(Julianne Moore) behaves as if she doesn’t know what childbirth even is, we jump straight to awkward Carrie White (Chloë Grace Moretz) in high school, getting her first period in the girl’s locker room after gym class and mistaking it for something much worse, and then getting teased and bullied by the other girls in the class, who all throw sanitary napkins at her and call her names and, here’s the 2013 twist-a-roo, take cell phone video of her freaking out (see what they did there? Updating that shit yo!). This starts a chain reaction of events that ends with a prank gone wrong at the school prom that causes Carrie to freak out and use her telekinetic powers to kill everyone.

Oh yeah, Carrie has telekinetic powers.Continue Reading …

Review: ‘You’re Next’

“You’re Next” is a halfway decent horror movie, which means people think it’s generally a great movie, that’s how low the bar is set for horror films, a genre riddled with no-budgeted, poorly acted, storyless, pointless hackjobs that try to pass themselves off as actual movies. “You’re Next,” however, isn’t that bad, as it sort of has a story and maybe it has a point? It didn’t make me want my time back, that’s for sure. So that’s something.

“You’re Next” is a home invasion movie and after watching a decent number of these types of films now, I think I can say I am not much of a fan of this subgenre of horror. Much like movies “Straw Dogs,” “The Purge,” “Funny Games,” “High Tension” and “The Strangers,” some people are inside a house, and murderous assholes want to hurt them, sometimes for completely unknown reasons, and sometimes for no reason (which is ANNOYING and the pinnacle of pointless storytelling). At least in “You’re Next” there turns out to be a reason for the home invasion, and a terrifyingly mundane one at that.*Continue Reading …

Review: ‘The Conjuring

Okay, folks, I am a day late and a dollar short on this one, but “The Conjuring” proved to be so popular and generally well liked that I just gotta get something down, on the record, so to speak, as I have finally gotten around to seeing this supposedly “based on a true story” horror movie and there are a couple of things that might be worth noting. You know. For posterity.

So in case ya haven’t heard, “The Conjuring” is on real-life paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) and is loosely based on an investigation of a haunted home in the 1970’s in which a family was terrorized by what was deemed to be a demonic spirit. Good times. Directed by James Wan (Saw, Insidious, Death Sentence), this is a 1970’s styled horror movie, as it is mostly tension built through atmosphere and mood, but with the modern favorite of loading the whole thing with jump scares to keep things moving along, resulting in a pretty decent horror film that has a few things going for it.Continue Reading …

Review: ‘World War Z’

Have you ever wanted to see a family friendly movie about a world wide zombie outbreak? Because “World War Z” is here and this is the movie for you (and your whole family). If you aren’t into zombie movies that have all that yucky, disgusting gore and blood and viscera and just general horror, yet you always wanted to see a movie featuring Brad Pitt and a bunch of undead ghouls (but you’ve already seen “Interview With a Vampire” and “Thelma & Louise“), then here you go, this movie was made just for you.

“World War Z” centers on ex-United Nations something or other Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt, Megamind) in Philadelphia, starting another typical day with his family, making breakfast for his wife and two young daughters, so on and so forth, and while sitting in traffic on their way into the city, oh yeah, zombie apocalypse happens. It’s not like it comes completely out of nowhere, as the movie does start with Gerry watching a news broadcast about strange and violent events popping up all around the world, but there was no reason to think that this strange mysterious thing would come to their doorstep so quickly, whatever it was (it was zombies).

So the movie starts with Gerry navigating his family safely during the first hours of a zombie apocalypse, and then hooking up with an old UN buddy who gets him to investigate the source of the outbreak so they could isolate it and find a vaccine. And off Gerry goes, traversing around the world, chasing little clues and rumors, trying to find a way to save the world. Sounds epic, doesn’t it?Continue Reading …

Review: ‘This is the End’

Well if you ever wanted to see a meta horror-comedy set during a biblical apocalypse, have I got a treat for you. “This is the End” is from writer/director duo Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (Superbad) and features a bevy of young actors and comedians playing themselves, and yes it is as weird as it sounds, but does it work?

The movie starts with Seth Rogen picking up Jay Baruchel (Cosmopolis) from the airport so they can spend a weekend hanging out together in Los Angeles, what with them being old Canadian friends and all, but while Jay wants to hang back at Seth’s place and just shoot the shit with his buddy, Seth wants to go to a house warming party thrown by James Franco (Oz The Great and Powerful, Pineapple Express). Jay gives in and they head over to a wild party at Franco’s, which really gets crazy when some insane shit starts going down, resulting in massive amounts of deaths, fires, brimstone and other just wild shit.

None of said wild insane and wild shit will be disclosed here because you might as well just see this thing for yourself. Suffice to say, the cast gets whittled down to Seth, Jay and Franco along with Jonah Hill (21 Jump Street), Danny McBride (Pineapple Express) and Craig Robinson (Pineapple Express), and really the story is all about how Seth and Jay have grown apart and need to man up and confront this issue between them lest their friendship die. And what better time to question one’s friendship with a dude than during the apocalypse?Continue Reading …

Review: ‘Warm Bodies’

When can we put this zombie thing to bed, at least for a little while? Looks, I was super into zombies like everyone there for a hot minute, and then I was done with them, and that is when “The Walking Dead” aired on the television and this zombie thing somehow got even more popular. But you can all feel it, right? The end? Because when we’re down to movies about zombies who re-learn how to live and fall in love, I am pretty sure we’re scraping the bottom.Continue Reading …