Review: ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’

Well what the hell did ya expect? Michael Bay has made three Transformers movies of varying degrees of quality (said degrees ranging from “watchable” to “abominations”), so when he announced he would do a fourth one, did any of us think that it would be that much better or that much worse than any of the other films? If we did, we were foolish. Because “Transformers: Age of Extinction” is just another Michael Bay Transformers movie, with the only thing really separating it from the rest is the length, which is to say, this movie is long as Hell. So depending on your opinion of the other three movies, this new installment is either more of that same chaotic (Bay-otic) action and mechanical Sturm und Drang that you’ve come to love, or it is visual and aural torture akin to cinematic waterboarding, as you just feel like you are drowning in relentless action and noise.

Then again, you could fall right in the middle of these two reactions, because even for the uninitiated (for we ARE initiated), there are some things that can be appreciated in this story of humans trying to take their planet back from the alien robot beings that hide among them, whether or not these alien robots were formerly friends or foes of said humans. It is an us versus them scenario, with the only thing balancing out the aliens’ advanced technology being the humans sheer force of numbers, as well as their crafty and underhanded nature (as exemplified by shady government dealings with multiple parties).

Finding themselves sucked into the middle of this grand conflict is the Yeager family – inventor and single father Cade (Mark Wahlberg) and his 17-year old daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz). And in case you are afraid that we won’t get the full backstory on these two, don’t you worry, because the first twenty minutes of this movie is dedicated to showing us how the Yeagers are about to lose their home as they have no money due to the fact that Cade is a TERRIBLE inventor and how he worries about his daughter and her future while the whole time (GASP! THE IRONY!) Tessa worries about her dad’s future, making them both a couple of worrywarts.

And after we establish over and over that they are poor and Cade won’t allow his daughter to date (though of course she IS dating someone), finally the whole humans-vs-robots thing falls into their laps and they get sucked into the larger story, and we no longer have to worry about all of that stuff they set up in the beginning because it doesn’t matter and doesn’t play into the rest of the story at all. Which is fine I guess because NO ONE went into a Transformers movie to see the story of a poor Texan family and how they are struggling to keep their home and send their kid to college. Nope. We all came to see giant transforming robots.

In this particular installment of this mega-successful franchise, we get two new types of giant robots (along with subtle redesigns of the returning robots from the other films): first we get Dino-bots, which are giant robots who change into giant dinosaurs and who seem to prefer their dinosaur forms as opposed to their natural forms (unlike the Autobots and Decepticons, who definitely appear to prefer their natural forms over their car and truck disguises, though if I had to choose between being a sports car or a fire-breathing mega T-Rex, I would definitely go with the latter). And then we get some other, scarier, all black transforming robot aliens with green eyes that seem to be more powerful than all the other robot aliens and they are actually pretty intimidating in this movie, as well as pretty cool looking. These new additions to the Transformers movie franchise are both interesting and fun, though the Dino-bots feel shoehorned in to this movie, whereas the new bad guy alien robots make more sense and are more compelling and interesting.

There IS a story to this movie, though is it really that important? There are multiple parties, all with different goals, and suffice to say, none of it really matters much because they all exist as excuses to give us large-scale action sequences, with the final forty to sixty minutes of the movie being essentially one long action scene, which is great in theory but BRUTAL when you actually have to sit through it all, and not brutal in a good way either. It just goes on and on and on and before long you just want it to stop already.

“Transformers: Age of Extinction” also left me with a few questions that just need to be asked (slight spoilers in these questions, but can one really spoil one of these movies?):

• Why did they open the movie in the time of the dinosaurs and also include Dino-bots in this movie, but then establish absolutely no connection between the two at all?
• Why does Optimus Prime establish at the end that he has rocket feet which he can use to travel THROUGH OUTER SPACE, but leading up to that moment if he needs to get somewhere he either travels by foot, in his truck form, or via spaceship? How much time did he waste not using his super sweet rocket feet?
• Was T.J. Miller not included in any of the trailers or commercials because secretly he is a digital creation and the effect just wasn’t ready in time for the marketing?
• Is Michael Bay a leg fetishist?
• Why was Thomas Lennon in this movie at all? For two scenes as the President’s Chief of Staff? Not like any of that played any part of ANYTHING anyway, what was the point? (and don’t get me wrong, any Tom Lennon is good Tom Lennon, but it was still a head scratcher)
• Is there rally racing in Texas? Isn’t Texas flat?
• Why did I leave this movie with the strong desire to drink Bud Light while driving my Bugati and listening to music via my Beats By Dre on my way to the store to buy some Chinese box milk, cases of Red Bull and Victoria Secret lingerie?

Of course this is not a good movie. It is a Transformers movie. But for fans of this series, they will probably like this because it really is more of the same, MUCH more really, and if the sight of a 60-foot tall robot wielding a gigantic sword while riding a 200-foot dinosaur robot is your thing, then you’ll definitely get a kick of this movie.